Soldiers, when committed to a task, can’t compromise. It’s unrelenting devotion to the standards of duty and courage, absolute loyalty to others, not letting the task go until it’s been done.”

John Keegan


Geesh, another blog.  And yes more words from a former soldier, a career soldier.  But this is not for you, it’s for me.  These are words I’ve wanted to put down for years and finally have time and energy to do it.

So what is this about?  It is simply the experiences of a career soldier, the slow slide to war after 9-11 and the impact of 3 years of war on an individual, a family and those involved.  It has been an odd caserole of the need for intimacy, emotional and physical and the hesitation to be intimate because of the risk.  The need to embrace humanity’s most primal desires and the inability to find a similar spirit.  And it is likely a tale of gross selfishness, selflessness and a chronic feeling of  complete betrayal by those I’d hoped would be my most intimate partners.

After 9-11 I spent the next 4 years cleaning up after bad decisions by careerist officers, taking care of Uncle Sam’s dirty laundry.  I was not a fast of those officers identified for greatness but I did have the reputation of getting it done.  I was known to be a problem solver.  It might not be pretty but it will happen.

Who am I or perhaps more important who was I.  In 2001 I was a Field Grade officer in the Army in a position of relative authority serving in a premier combat division of the US Army.  I was married, had a son and a career that was at once reasonably successful and very enjoyable.  I loved what I did.

What follows is not a story of bravery, great battles, exciting events.  I am no hero.  Rather it is a story of how most soldiers go to war, at least in the last 15 years and what the outcomes are once that soldier returns.

My purpose is quite simple.  To lay down these memories, put some of them away and add context to others.  This series of posts is a living document and each chapter will evolve with additional detail and thought over time.



Sunny Skies

All the times

That I felt insecure

For you

And I leave

My burdens at the door

But I’m on the outside

I’m looking in

I can see through you

See your true colors

‘Cause inside you’re ugly

You’re ugly like me

I can see through you

See to the real you

“Outside” by Staind.

“Eyes, Those damn eyes fucked me forever”.  Charles Bukowski.

In 2008, my marital relationship had turned into more of a roommate situation with occasional coitus.  She spent the bulk of her time tending to her parents and her church.  I seemed to have transformed into nothing more than a method to get money to give to her church and for her to have the freedom to not work and pursue whatever she chose.  The dynamic in the house, between my spouse and my teen-aged son was continuous tension.  She would lock him out of the house during winter wearing nothing but boxer shorts and a t-shirt and on more than one occasion kicked him out of her car in traffic.  It was a brutal time.  I found my self having to be both the enforcer of rules with my son and the one who was loving and supportive as she was uniquely ineffective at both.

During one of her frequent trips to her parents’ house I decided to post something on a bulletin board type service about a friend with benefits.  My posting said something about conversation, time spent and perhaps something more intimate in time.  I will admit that I’d had a couple of drinks and this was something of a lark.  I let it fly though.  Both out of a sincere desire and curiosity.  The responses I received were an almost surreal mixed bag of broken psyches, morbidly obese women who wanted sex and a couple of genuine responses but not interested in the same situation I was.  Then one day in late winter I got a response that was very terse.  A quick question about my intent.  This is how I met a woman I will refer to as Sunny Skies.

We exchanged notes in an attempt to get acquainted.  It was on her third e-mail back to me that she slipped and left her full name and place of employment in a signature block.  It flustered her but for me it made her human.  As a sort of quid pro quo I gave her my name.  In the coming days our correspondence centered on figuring each other out.  I learned that she was in an unsatisfactory marital relationship that had been built around common dreams of a business.  She was a business partner with her spouse and they operated a landscaping company.  From me she learned that I was a retired officer, combat veteran and similarly in an unsatisfactory marital relationship.  She was 7 years younger than me, born and bred in Kansas City and childless.

After some time figuring ourselves out we started to write of desires, attitudes and what each was looking for both in life and out of this acquaintance.  I learned that she was neo pagan, that her spouse had little interest in sex and her desire fit in with the whole pagan idea of goddess worship.  She was looking for body worship from an attentive male.  I also learned that she wanted to be a mother.  Sunny was going through every conceivable procedure to have a baby.  She felt the pressure of time and age to give birth.  Sunny was 39 when we met and wanted to have a child before she was in her 40’s.  Sunny referred to it as the “baby dance”.

From me she learned that I was looking for an attentive ear and quite honestly some sexual adventure.  I mentioned to her that any intimate relations between myself and my spouse was almost formulaic and mechanistic.  I had a mild sexual addiction and had a freakish side that seemed to fascinate her.

After hundreds of e-mails and a couple of phone calls we decided to meet.  We agreed to actually meet at a park in a small town on the Missouri side, Parkville.  Anyone who knows Parkville knows a quaint little town on the river.  There is a park by the river and the centerpiece is a gazebo.  That was where we would meet.  We exchanged vehicle descriptions and agreed to meet at the gazebo at 4 p.m.

I had considerable anxiety about the meeting.  I was worried that this might get out.  My employer might find out or my family.  In the back of my mind I thought this could be something of an ambush where she would threaten blackmail or something.  All kinds of crazy thoughts raced through my head.  On the day of the meeting I showed up early and parked in a location that was concealed but provided observation of the parking lot and the gazebo.  Once satisfied that no one was setting in an ambush I moved down and parked in the lot by the park and I waited.  After about 15 minutes I spotted a vehicle that matched hers approaching and waited until she parked.  I got out of my car and walked over toward her.  I watched as this lean woman in t-shirt and jeans, wide-brimmed straw hat and wrap around shades stepped out.  Sunny said hi and took my hand.  We walked to the gazebo to sit and chat.

Our conversation was pretty lightweight at the start but in time we dove into the personal issues and desires that we’d discussed in our correspondence.  We confirmed to each other what we’d said.  The words are lost in time but they were all good.  What was not lost is my memory of how absolutely beautiful Sunny was.  I was not expecting this.  She was (and still is) lean and muscled.  Nice legs and what conforms to the description of an onion butt.  Long lean arms and petite bust that fit her.  And…she had/has the most incredible eyes.  As we sat and chatted she was facing the sun.  Sunny has hazel eyes but they shined and the sun caught different colors.  At times they were green, other times brown and sometime there was the glint of gold when the sun hit them just right.  I found myself absolutely captivated by this magnificent woman.  I remember asking her what she had expected prior to meeting.  Sunny’s simple response was “a fat guy”.

We walked a bit, held hands and chatted.  We agreed to continue, set some ground rules and mentioned a potential next meeting for more intimate activities.  She was going on vacation with a friend to the northwest later in the year and I had some business travel.  We would keep up on e-mail and I would call.  We set phone call time as 1200, once a week.  And with some regret I watched as she drove away.

We continued to chat, talk and eventually set a date for our first intimate get together.   Being impatient I agreed to date which was also they day I returned from a business trip.  We set the location, a hotel close to the airport.  During my trip I remembered her words “a fat guy”.  Although not in terrible shape I made sure to work out every day.  That trip could not end soon enough.  On that day of my return I hurried back to my home.  My spouse was once again at her parents’ house so this was going to be easy.  I showered, groomed myself a bit and headed to the location.  Sunny would meet me at one of the doors and take me to the room.  I was of course running late.  As I pulled in I saw her vehicle, parked close and went to the door she had designated to meet me at.  As I walked up what I saw is to this day stuck in my mind.  She was there in a skirt that revealed her skin/legs underneath.  I remember a halter top with a shawl and her hair was pulled up.  She was…perfect.  The look on her face was one of excitement and submission, almost demure.  I found this absolutely charming since by personality she was an assertive and blunt person.

We kissed and she led me to the room.  It was lit with candles and she had bottled water “for the thirsty work ahead”.  We chatted a bit, sat close and started to kiss and from there foreplay then intercourse.  I was again completely taken by her.  So beautiful, her eyes catching the light of the candles, her lean and beautiful body.  I remember thinking to myself that I needed to explore and memorize every inch of her.  In time I did.  Everything about her was beautiful..every inch.  Even her most intimate parts were graceful.  Once I told her that anyone with that beautiful a butt should be required by law to walk around with it exposed. We lay entwined after and I remember thinking this is what it should be and her soft warm skin was perfect.  I also noticed something that I mentioned to her several times during our adventure.  Her face, although beautiful carried worry lines.  She often had the look of a woman with too much on her mind.  Afterwards, after I’d worshiped her body..and after my climax her face always seemed to soften, markedly.  And with that, in the light of the candles she looked perfect. Thus started a kind of physical and somewhat emotional relationship that lasted with some intensity for about two years.

Sunny and I corresponded regularly.  I would often be greeted with an e-mail in the morning or I might greet her.  We talked on the phone with some regularity and we started meeting almost weekly at a relatively nearby park.  The park was large enough and secluded enough for us to engage in intercourse.  This ranged from getting some modicum of privacy in a picnic shelter or once on a blanket on the side of a hill overlooking a lake.    As things got chilly it was sometimes a challenge.  We would have sex in the car which often involved interesting bruising on her shoulder.  On one occasion she invited me to her home while her spouse was away and we had sex in her bed.  One she assured me she did not share with her spouse.  Again, fantastic as our park meetings were they did not afford me the opportunity to enjoy all of her.  Similarly, on one occasion when I would be alone at home she came to my house.  We did not have sex in my marital bed, Sunny stated that would make her feel creepy. In time our meetings moved to hotels as money allowed.  We were still both married and had to be discrete.  Almost everytime, everywhere we met there was a sexual component, petting, grinding, intercourse and anytime we had a room she enjoyed receiving oral sex.  I brought her to my place of work where I provided oral sex and we had vaginal and anal intercourse on my desk.  I still smile when I look at my desk.   If it could only talk.

I let Sunny Skies into everything I was.  I took her to my favorite places, exposed those parts of me I hold close and do not let anyone see.  And in the end that transparency was for naught.

In retrospect I am grateful.  I was able to spend time and have intimate relations with a complex, interesting and beautiful woman.  Also in retrospect I have thought about the cost and a lot of “what ifs”.

I know that my now ex-spouse knew something was going on.  I was careful enough that she did not know what or with who but…all the signs were there.  Our infrequent and mechanistic intercourse was even less frequent.  After all, if I was having sex with a beautiful woman who was an excellent sex partner why would I want a morbidly obese and angry woman?  There were some things I was less than careful about.  Sunny and I were friends on Facebook and I had a boutique e-mail address that I did not share the password for.  There were times when I would leave an event or a situation to log on to e-mail just to check for a note from Sunny Skies.  I even hid during my son’s High School Graduation Party for a time to check e-mail.  I was totally absorbed by her and our adventure. It is fair to say I was in love with Sunny Skies.

Falling in love was a violation of the ground rules we’d set at our first meeting at the gazebo but, I could not help myself.  On a regular basis I would ask the question, was my affection being naïve?  Her response was always no. Once while talking on the phone she asked me what my son would say if he found out at some point we were dating.  I took her answers, her words and her actions as an indication that her feelings were evolving like mine.  That the emotional attachment was deepening for her as it was for me.  In the end though I was in fact being naïve.  In time our contacts became less frequent.  Meeting for sex became an event and not a regular occurrence.  My feelings did not change.  When she spoke I jumped.  If I had the chance to see her I jumped on it.  Anything I could do to show kindness or affection was something I’d take on with energy.  I remember once, after she’d had a long day at work she met me at my place of work.  My anticipation was workplace sex.  Something we’d done before and it had been marvelous.  Rather than sex she slept in my arms for about an hour.  I held her until she was rested enough to go home.  In time, after my eventual divorce I invited Sunny to my home for dinner and hopefully taking her to my bed.  And of course in those times that we were intimate I would worship, make love to every inch of her body.  I can still remember all the landmarks of her, a scar, a prominent vein, a freckle in a very personal spot.  We experimented with light bondage, she let me take her bottom and use bindings, blindfolds.  She liked to be fucked pulled..bottom slapped.  In fact our last meeting just a couple of years ago was to involve some light BDSM, bindings, spanking. She really liked to be spanked..and I always kissed it to make it better.  In our last meeting that is how it started but it turned into another situation where I needed to listen to her vent about some really foolish decisions and try to comfort her.  It seems I became something more of a confidant than a lover.

But in time it was obvious that my feelings of affection, love were not reciprocated.  Early on she appreciated the attention and the care from an attentive man.  But it became clear to me that I was an appurtenance.  I was side action and the lack of respect shown by her was obvious.  She broke my heart.

I did some reading about affairs and found that this experience fit the mold.  They last about 24 months and one person becomes emotionally involved and the other does not and that is how this went.  For me this adventure convinced me that my marriage needed to end for a host of reasons.  My spouse was no longer interested in a happy home or taking care and raising her son.  Her interest was her church.  As far as her son she was more interested in forcing his compliance with her directions and rules.  She was still trying to parent a toddler, not a growing young man.  I would stay married until my son was in college and away from home.

For all the angst I experienced in my unhappy marriage and the unrequited love for Sunny Skies, her life has been equally difficult.  And I guess I bear some responsibility for it.  Sunny desperately wanted to be a mother.  Her spouse was supportive, kind of, as long as it did not seriously interfere with his life, video games on the weekend or his love of Jack Daniels Old No 7.  She had him administer shots for hormones, they did IVF, all kinds of gymnastics to have a child.  I remember holding her at the park once while she cried after a failed IVF.  I also remember her search for viable eggs to be implanted and the failures of all those efforts.  Finally, in a last attempt they turned to adoption.  Rather than go through a traditional adoption her spouse believed that through personal contacts and his ability to talk to people he could find her a child.  And, to her chagrin she believed him.  Again another failed effort.

I am convinced that her spouse did not want a child because that child would reduce the amount of time she spent taking care of him and his house.  His efforts to assist in Sunny’s pursuit were minimal.  This was the hint that I missed.  She knew it, saw it but it did not matter.  I know that despite his lack of affection, abuse of alcohol she loved, was in love with him.  Over the years she has left him twice and has always returned.  Even now she share a home with him.  There is some hold on her, something that he provides that I don’t understand.  She enjoyed sex, he did/does not.  She was smart, read a good bit, and was a complex person.  Her spouse seemed a fairly simple and self-absorbed person. All during our time Sunny admitted there was still a physical relationship between her and her spouse.  In my mind I imagined what I would call redneck sex.  He would walk up behind her while she was cooking, take her then wipe himself on her apron and go back to his Jack and Coke.  Once she confided that one of the presents he gave her for her birthday was sex..amazing.  But she apparently loves him.

What I should have learned.

As of this year it will be a decade since I first met the beautiful and alluring woman with amazing eyes and the onion butt.  Much has happened in both our lives.  She is living with her spouse again and once in a great while I contact her.  In our time she was a brunette.  She took pride in a Celtic heritage and her ties to Ireland.  She kind of reminded me of Keira Knightley from the 2004 movie King Arthur.  Partly because of her looks and then there is the whole pagan issue.  I have to say one of my fantasies was to see her naked in a pagan ceremony then have rabbit sex afterwards.  I also regret that I never got to spend an entire night with her.  I think waking up next to her would have been fabulous.  She is blonde now.  She seems happy with it and for that I’m glad.  In my mind she will always be the beautiful brunette with amazing eyes that I met in Parkville.

Lessons I should have learned but did not.  First, mature women are risk averse.  I wondered why she could not love me as I loved her.  Part was me, part was an affection for her spouse and part was the risk involved with going any further with me.  I asked her once why she could not, did not love me.  Yeah sounds like a whiney bitch that moment I had to ask.  She had no answer but I think I understand now.  Romantic love for a woman approaching middle age is heavily influenced by Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  I remember during the adoption attempts assuring her that I would move heaven and Earth to find her a child if she came with me.  But despite her intense desire to be a mother and my affection for her and my determination to help her realize motherhood she stays and will stay with him.  I think she loves him and loves the idea of him, a big guy.  And he is safe and I was a risk.

For all the talk of friends with benefits early on, I still became intensely jealous.  Sunny called it “being bratty”.  I was jealous of her spouse’s access to her, the time he got to spend and what seemed to me a complete waste of the time and attention of an amazing woman on a man who did not appreciate her.  There were times when I just wanted to grab the sides of her face and scream “do you realize this guy really doesn’t give a fuck about you beyond what services you provide to simplify his life?”

Now, some things are true.  I still care deeply about Sunny Skies.  To be honest, my addiction to her, her body continues.  To this day there is a print of Vargas’ “Memories of Olive” that hangs in my room.  My current spouse does not know it but this picture reminds me of Sunny Skies.


At times, for the emotional energy I expended on her I feel intensely angry.  There was a time when I would and did risk it all in anticipation of her.  It’s that part of me that is dying to ask her if she has any fucking idea what I went through and the hurt that I still feel today.   The pathetic part is if she were to call me for help I would be there.  Were she to call me to make love to her body I’d be there.  I love her, or more accurately love who she was in our time, but not in love with her and will likely die loving the woman I remember.

After a couple of years her perception of what we did was just sex.  Although we would continue to meet sporadically for about 7 years it was just sex.  Some interesting sex but..just sex.  While it is true that I had deep feelings for her in time I understood she just wanted to screw. She wanted to be fucked by someone who enjoyed fucking her and my affection for her, love, was what drove my desire of her body.

As it stands today I think of Sunny daily.  There is a part of me that misses her.  Perhaps it’s genuine affection or just lust.  I see her posts on Social media, glimpses of her life.  This is not a tremendous change from the later years of our involvement.  I was a peripheral element in her life.  When she got horny she would talk to me.  In fact she is a “friend” of my current spouse on social media which to be blunt and honest really pisses me off.  But not much I can do about it.  I check her posts daily and think about what might have been or perhaps what I wanted it to be.  This is a minor but daily source of melancholy.  I satisfy myself with the knowledge that neither of us are the people who had such passionate encounters.  I am older and more reserved but still as hungry. She has become a bottle blonde or more accurately a bottle of some color..I think it’s purple now. She has lost her edge and is now a middle aged woman seeking attention from anyone full in the knowledge that in her old age she it will be her and her inattentive spouse. Could have been different but..we all make decisions.

“The moon stopped by my room tonight, to peek in and paint me with it’s pastel light, and though there’s much its glow can do it always whispers in my ear ..of you.                     Of countless times we swam its beams, while making Love and spinning dreams but this eve it brought sorrow I can’t dismiss.  I’ve finally forgotten the taste of…your kiss.”  Gregory Barden.

These days, knowing how hungry Sunny Skies was I wonder who is satisfying her desires.  Is she having sex with her spouse who she claims to be separated from?  Is she having sex with another paramour?  Sometimes, since her marriage was dysfunctional and based on some bad feelings between us, I wonder if she is a lesbian, bi sexual?  On the flip side perhaps she is asexual.  Her current appearance makes her look tired and haggard.   A sad development for a beautiful, sensual and interesting woman.

Over the years I’ve spent some time talking this through with my most trusted friend, my dog.  Our conclusion is that Sunny Skies was like a butterfly.  We build gardens to draw butterflies and when they lite on a flower we watch.  When they lite on a hand we study them and see bold strong colors and they look sturdy.  In truth for all it’s beauty a butterfly is fragile and transient.  And so it is with Sunny Skies.  Beautiful and transient.

When things fell apart with Sunny Skies, my hunger was not gone.  In 2010 in another unwise move I went back to a similar bulletin board and repeated a similar process with a woman we will call Sunseeker.

The Sunseeker

And I feel that time’s a wasted go
So where ya going to tomorrow?
And I see that these are lies to come
Would you even care?

“Plush” by Stone Temple Pilots

In 2010, with no perceptible improvement in my marital relationship and the collapse of any idea of Sunny Skies I again turned to a bulletin board personals service. My marital relationship continued to be something of a roommate arrangement. No real connection, just the business of life. In fact Church Lady was gone most of the time, running back to see her parents. I was left to my own devices a good part of the time. My son was in college and I had the house to myself. When she was home she worked nights which only provided me more time.

On this new effort I used words similar to those that were in the post that attracted Sunny Skies but this was a different site. I got the obligatory array of interesting and some disturbing responses. Then, much as was the case with Sunny Skies, I received a terse response fairly late at night. At first the words her words were almost judgmental at the inference of intimate contact in my post. I was a bit irritated at this virtue signaling but I kept up the conversation. In time that evening her words softened and we agreed to keep conversing. And this was how I met a woman whose betrayal would influence my life for about 5 years.

Our initial conversations were fairly light, nothing of much consequence. Sunseeker warmed to the idea of the potential for intimate contact in addition to conversation. What I learned about her in those e-mail exchanges was she was my age, younger by 6 months. She had twin sons about the same age as my son. She married right out of High School to a man who was cold, distant and had not changed over the years. In fact her only option as explained by her parents was to marry right out of High School. As a result she had no further education, had no real skills and led a very sheltered life, almost in a bubble enforced by a controlling husband. Sunseeker indicated that her sex life was nonexistent, that she was hungry for that kind of contact and yearned for a man to be warm and loving. As with Sunny Skies I envisioned a man who came to her at night, mounted her, climaxed and went to sleep. Redneck sex.

Overtime our notes became more intimate. She described her wants, desires, and regrets. I learned that she regretted not having more children. It seems her spouse got a vasectomy after the birth of her twins. I learned that she’d had an eating disorder that almost killed her and at middle age she hungered for the attention and affection she’d been missing for 30 years.

Eventually we exchanged photos. Her picture revealed a petite woman with long auburn hair. Unlike Sunny Skies she was had larger breasts and was very tan. She admitted that during the day while her spouse was gone she would sunbathe in the nude in their back yard. Their house was a bit rural and they had some acreage. In time we agreed to meet. The location was to be the parking lot of an Old Navy just across the Missouri border.

The evening we met I remember pulling into the lot and immediately saw her pickup truck. It was an older white pickup. Out of the driver’s side popped this remarkably perky figure in hip hugger jeans, boots with 4 inch heels and a blazer. As she approached I noticed her hair was long, almost halfway down her back and amazingly huge brown eyes. She gave me a wide open-mouthed smile and said howdy. As we got close I got a whiff of her signature scent, something I came to love. She used a lotion that had the scent of tangerines and even now if I close my eyes I can smell her.

We sat in my car and talked. The topics ranged from belief systems to family to relationships. We spent about an hour just chatting. She was quite likely the most active listener I’ve ever encountered. As our conversation ended we agreed to continue to exchange notes and to meet again. As we got ready to leave she asked quite directly if she could kiss me. I said sure expected a quick peck on the cheek. Instead I got what was the most intense, deep, open-mouthed French kiss I can remember. We parted ways and all I could do was think about her scent, how beautiful she was and those amazing brown eyes.

As we corresponded over the next several days we agreed to meet again and we discussed where might find some acceptable modicum of privacy but a place not out of reach for either of us…middle ground. I brought up some of the places Sunny Skies and I had frequented and eventually we picked a location. During our e-mail exchanges it became clear that Sunseeker was sexually hungry but she also made it clear that she was unwilling to have intercourse for fear of a pregnancy, even to the point where condoms were not safe enough. She could not take the pill as they made her ill. When we met again her hunger manifested itself as an absolute fixation on giving oral sex. In fact each time we met for it seems months it almost became our routine that we would talk, during the conversation hands would wander which became passionate kissing and in the blink of an eye she was kneeling on the floorboard of the vehicle touching her own breasts and giving me fellatio.

Another thing became clear during our meetings. Someone, somewhere, somehow had given her the impression that her body was ugly and that no one wanted to see it, touch it or heaven forbid explore it orally. As a man who truly enjoys performing oral sex on a woman I was taken back by her avoidance of it. For a beautiful mature woman with an incredible body this seemed odd…then again it confirmed my continuing belief that the sexual revolution never made it to the heartland. Both Sunny Skies and Sunseeker submitted to men that only wanted coitus and climax with no attention to foreplay or their partner’s pleasure.

In time this ritual of parking, talking, kissing and fellatio did not satisfy either of us. One evening while chatting Sunseeker looked me straight in the eye and told me she loved me. She expressed an enduring love and wanted us to bond physically and spiritually. She continued that we needed to find a way to safely have intercourse, to achieve that bond. So we plotted and schemed and the solution we came up with was for me to get a vasectomy. We could each save up enough to split the cost and we, together, would get the procedure done. In time this happened. I made arrangements and we went to a hospital and got the most noninvasive procedure done. She was in the room when it happened and we had a hotel room booked so I could at least recover a bit before going home. And, we kept in touch about the tests needed to make sure it was 100 % effective. When the news came that it had worked our next scheme was to meet and finally have intercourse.

About a month later during which we had not seen each other much we arranged a time and a room to achieve our “physical bonding”. Nerves were almost as high as our fist meeting. I remember she positioned herself so she could see everything and she smiled as I penetrated her. She wanted to watch until climax. From that night on, every time we met, no matter what milieu or situation, we would find a way to have intercourse.

Now that I have time to reflect I think about how absolutely insane this all was. Here I was married, I went out and on the sly got a vasectomy, sat in my home with Church Lady close by with frozen peas stuffed in my shorts to reduce swelling. Amazing but true.

Over the next months we saw each other weekly. At first in secluded parking lots or the occasional room. Some of these meetings turned into interesting adventures. During one trip to the same park Sunny Skies and I would frequent, Sunseeker was on all fours in the front seat of her truck, her head out the driver’s window and I took her from behind. That was fine but she made a lot of noise during intercourse and on this day, at this spot she was unusually loud and I am sure that there was an echo. During another planned meeting she got lost and told me she was in the parking lot of an Old Navy not too far from my home. I tracked her down at about 11:00 p.m. What I found was a drunk Sunseeker in the driver’s seat of her truck. When she saw me walking up she popped out of the truck and lifted up her skirt to reveal no underwear and yelled, “I’m ready”.  She wanted me to take her against the side of her truck.  Not a good idea.  Pulling her skirt back into place I got her back in her truck.  After getting her to nap a bit I sent her home. Eventually we came to agree on a regular meeting place. A very inexpensive motel. It was cheap and looked cheap but it was something we could sustain.  During these meetings we would profess undying love. She stated quite frankly that she wanted to divorce her husband and marry me as soon as possible. I expressed the same desire. I wanted this woman. I’d found what was in my mind perfection.

I did everything I could to bring her into my world.  Like Sunny Skies I showed her my favorite places and told her why they meant so much.  She put up with the history nerd in me.  I brought her to my place of work and gave her a tour.  We had office sex.  On a trip to Europe I took a stuffed animal that she’d bought me and took pictures of the stuffed dog in everyplace I went.  And in each place I got her a trinket. In fact I spent more on Sunseeker than I did on Church Lady.

All seemed to be going ok then it happened. Church Lady found evidence of our activities.  Sunseeker would send nude selfies from work, from home, you name it. One evening I’d forgotten to delete one from my phone and Church Lady found it. There was of course a huge fight and I wound up leaving the house and getting a hotel room. I knew that I wanted to end the marriage but this was clearly the event that would start the process.

We stayed together and in a last-ditch attempt to save things I agreed to see a counselor of her choosing. Oddly enough these sessions only served to convince me that it was over and the marriage needed to end. I told her that which did not go well. It all blew up on April 27 when Church Lady effectively held me hostage in my garage.

After a pretty intense argument I decided I needed to leave the house for a bit. Church Lady blocked my car in the garage and started screaming for help. To passersby it sounded as if I was abusing her. They called the police and eventually three Sheriffs vehicles were at my house. Thankfully I had not tried to force my way out or laid a hand on her. When the Deputies came up I was bleeding from bite marks, my shirt was torn and my face bruised. She was immediately arrested and taken to the lockup. The sad part of this was her elderly father was visiting and I had the task of telling her father that she had just been arrested for domestic battery. I sent Sunseeker a note to keep her informed as I thought this was a good news bad news story. Bad things happen but this may tee up the situation for me to divorce and be with her…if she wanted it.

Church Lady was arraigned the next day. By law the abuser has to stay away from the home for 72 hours but since her Dad was there I petitioned to let her go home and I would stay away. This was the beginning of my gypsy summer when I effectively lived out of my car for about two months. I also had to explain her arrest to my son which was hard. It was a long day.  To this day I keep her mug shot on my phone, I keep the shirts she ripped as she grabbed at me and a cross she bent as she pulled at my neck.

During the next month I pretty much lived out of my car.  I collected up some belongings, put them in a large plastic tub and became a gypsy.  I spent my nights in hotels.  Living in hotels made our sessions easy. She would just drop by and we would make love. The sex was amazing, the affection I felt was intense and my desire/need for her just seemed to grow.

As it turns out my job demanded that I travel that summer. During one trip I received a terse e-mail from Sunseeker. It seems her spouse got some indication that something was going on. She explained to him that I was a needy and desperate friend, nothing more. Then she stated that she had to back away. I was devastated. Here I’d done everything to set us up for a life together and she wanted to back away. I know that I killed a bottle of Jim Beam that night and am quite surprised I made it to work the next day. Throughout that trip she did not communicate with me again. Broken hearted I threw myself into ending my marriage, taking care that my son was ok and my work.

Upon returning home we started to chat a bit. It seems her angst about us was mitigated by time and we once again started seeing each other. In fact, once I leased an apartment I gave her a key. There were days when I would return to the apartment after work and found evidence of her presence. Having an apartment made our more intimate contacts easier.

After several months I bought the Church Lady out of the house. She trashed the place leaving more than a little damage but it was good to have my home back. And I had the opportunity to make the house my own with some liberal application of paint and purchases of furniture. Although nothing was specified in the divorce settlement Church Lady had moved everything out of the house save some family stuff that I had and my recliner. I moved back into the house in November and cobbled together a Thanksgiving meal for my son who would be home from college. I also found some furniture so he’d have somewhere to sleep. And, being something of a Christmas addict I hurriedly decorated for Christmas as best I could so he would have something of a Christmas. And of course, after the holidays I invited Sunseeker to my house for an evening.

There had been increasing tension between us and I suspected I was due for another round of her “backing away”. The evening she came to the house seemed to have none of that. She came in through the garage door to the family room and as soon as the door was closed she started undressing. I mentioned that we can get comfortable in a bedroom at which she smiled. We made love in my bed. That would be the last time we would make love, the last time I would see her except for a brief meeting months later. In the next days she would end the relationship with no explanation other than she just couldn’t.

Lessons re learned but not.

Once again, as with Sunny Skies this lasted about 24 months. Once again one partner was all in while the other was not. This time was different because of the words spoken and pledges made. I should have been smarter. Sunseeker was a grossly inexperienced person having been sequestered in the bubble of her marital relationship. To her the wide world was a scary place and she was unarmed. She did not have to personal tools to take the risk. My problem was that I had fallen desperately in love with her and now I could do nothing to change anything. I was alone and devastated.

Several months later we met and talked a bit. She had clearly gone back into her bubble and I suspect it was a relief for her. She was safe and taken care of. She proved my idea that her affection was informed by Maslow and I was too risky.

I have many regrets.  As with Sunny Skies I regret that I did not spend an entire night with Sunseeker.  I regret that I listened to her words because for her I suspect words were cheap.  She liked the beauty, power and concept behind expressions of deep affection, enduring lifelong love.  She did not understand the implications and 2nd order effects.  And a part of me regrets that I was not enough to make her leave her husband.

I think of Sunseeker every day. I miss her every day. I can still smell the scent of tangerine, still see those huge eyes and in my dreams I experience that magnificent body.  Sunseeker gave me a Sacagawea dollar coin so I would think of her.  I kept it in my pocket always during our relationship.  To this day I have that same coin on my key chain.  And once while spending an evening with me she left a t shirt..I still have it.   And as strange as it sounds, while living in the apartment after divorce I got a cat.  At one point Sunseeker was thinking about her initials if we married which would be SAM and that is what I named the cat, Sam.  As I drive around I see or pass by places where we had been and am hit by a wave of melancholy. I still watch my e-mail for a note, still wait for some evidence that she is well and happy or…in the darker recesses of my mind that she wants me.   But, for all these years it is like she fell off the planet.  Sometime I think about what I might say should I ever meet up with her again.  A part of me would melt and I suspect some echo of the passion I felt for her would return.  A part of me would just want to totally lose my cool.  I always tried to remain even tempered around Sunseeker, to be calm and thoughtful.  Were I to see her again I don’t know that I wouldn’t just lose my cool and scream about how her words and betrayal completely screwed me, my life up for years, even to today.  I really want to yell at her.  When I think of Sunny Skies I think of what might have been.  When I think of Sunseeker I think of what was and the loss.

“I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.”  Edna St Vincent Millay

At the end of this I was divorced.  I’d been very easy on Church Lady during the divorce in order to end things quickly.  In my mind was the need to get her out of my son’s life and protect Sunseeker from any kind of legal trouble or revenge.  I needed her out of my son’s life because her interactions with him were damaging or more accurately destroying his college grades.  She’d become a brutal and mean woman and she took it out on him.  I succeeded in cutting her out of his life which was a victory.  Being convicted of Domestic Battery meant she could not leave the county for a year.  He was safe at college.  That thing that started the process, Sunseeker, was out of my life.  Her betrayal was complete, vicious and for me completely devastating.  A part of me loathes her, and a part of me would drop everything for the chance to have her.  I have this feeling, or perhaps it is a prayer, that before my days are through I will see her again.  Or perhaps more accurately I hope that I see her just one last time.





The Librarian

“The cruelest lies are often told in silence”  Robert Louis Stevenson

So, a middle-aged man, divorced empty nester and what to do?  On a lark I signed up for Match.  And in no time at all I started conversing with a woman who was a couple of years younger and we seemed to hit it off.  We e-mailed and texted for a time and eventually agreed to meet at Country Club Plaza in KC.

We met at 4 and spent some time sipping coffee and chatting at The Classic Cup.  She was dressed as a librarian..long skirt, blouse and a sweater with glasses on a chain around her neck.  The Librarian is an attractive woman, hazel eyes, brown hair with highlights and a nice figure.  I learned during our face to face that she was a nervous person, always stressed.  After sitting for a bit I offered to walk around the plaza a bit.  Her nervousness was manifested in walking really quickly.  I had to slow her down a couple of times and told her quite honestly that she needed to learn to stroll.  Slow it down because we had no destination, our business was walking.

We decided to continue talking and started dating.  Divorced, she was still living in her marital home.  She had three daughters, two still in the house and one off at college.  On our second date I took her to a movie and dinner.  She liked the movie theater on the Plaza so that is where we went and had dinner at some diner of her choosing.  Curiously though, when we got to her house we sat for a bit then she asked if I wanted to go to bed.  I was a bit startled but said sure.  In no time at all she is naked and guiding me to her room.  She slept in a room that was not the master bedroom.  I guess too many bad and I’m assuming abusive memories from the room. This was my first experience with her body issues.  I seldom saw her completely nude.  She had a very nice figure but due to an ectopic pregnancy she had a fairly large scar across her stomach.  She took pains to make sure that was always covered, even while making love.  She was also a cutter.  She had scars on the inside of her thighs due to self mutilation, a reaction to her low brow ex spouse.  I suspect another purveyor of redneck sex.  On top of all this Librarian had Daddy issues.  She shared some really strange poetry with me once that seemed to reference her Daddy in some odd ways.  I was a bit creeped by it.

We seemed to get along really well.  We talked every night before bed and would text through the day.  I got along with her daughters and they seemed to accept me.  There were some warning signs though.  While seeing each other we both increased our consumption of adult beverages to an almost alarming amount.  We seemed to have found drinking buddies.  In fact at one point we made a deal not to drink on weeknights, Sunday through Thursday to try and control it.

At one point I mentioned to her that I did not see myself in a long-term relationship that did not include passionate, romantic love.  I had been very passionate about both Sunny Skies and Sunseeker, in fact desperately passionate about Sunseeker.  Her response caught me off guard.  It implied that passion was not needed for a long term relationship.  I kept that response in the back of my head.

We had some fun times.  A trip to Ha Ha Tonka park in the Ozarks.  It was here that I learned she liked public sex.  I also went to her daughters graduation on the east coast..and again public sex or in this case road trip sex.

One major issue was getting my son on board with the idea of me dating .  He wanted nothing to do with it or her.  I took her to K State for a football game and he was very aloof the entire time.  He had not recovered from the divorce and in retrospect neither had I.

A second warning sign started to bug me.  She really liked to spend my money and in time when the topic of marriage came up she spent even more time thinking about spending my money.  I was troubled and brought it up but we never really resolved my concerns.

After about 18 months I asked Librarian to marry me.  It was on Christmas Eve.  Everyone was happy except Jim and to some extent me.   I had some doubt about her real intent or agenda.  Starting after Christmas  I would spend at least one night a week at her house and she would do the same at mine.

I continued to have a limited number of trips for work.  Librarian got in that habit of seeing me off at the Airport.  On one she looked me in the eye and asked if “we” were ok.  I had to think for a second because of my concerns about her agenda, if I was her life raft.  I gave a somewhat hesitant yes and went on my way.  Then, on returning  I got to the house and opened a bottle of bourbon.  After drinking probably too much I asked myself what I was getting out of this relationship.  Librarian came by the house and I remember in a slurred drunken voice asking her the same question.  “What am I getting out of this relationship?”.  This really angered her.  She took off my ring, grabbed all her belongings and left.  And that was the end of Librarian.

I sometimes feel bad about this.  She was a nice person, attractive, smart educated.  I do miss her at times.  On some nights I would go over quite late.  Having a key I would let myself into her house and crawl in bed with her.  I would warn her of course but we had some very touching, quiet intimate moments.  Other items which were probably not so good was how much we drank.  I think we were both medicating ourselves because of failed relationships.    I think this relationship was a mistake.  Our politics, ideas of children, money were out of synch and eventually this would have failed.

I spoke to the Librarian about a year later.  We met to try to bring closure to things.  She wrote down what she wanted to say and her words were a biting vilification of me and my actions.  After her tearful monologue I asked her if part of her motivation for seeking a relationship was financial, was I a life raft for her.  She admitted that was part of it.  I felt completely justified.

In thinking through this it all fits with the Maslow idea.  Sunny Skies and Sunseeker stayed with a spouse who was not romantic or passionate because of a need for security and comfort and thus I was cast aside.  Librarian sought me for security and comfort.  Perhaps a karma event in my life.



Annie Oakley

You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need!

“You Can’t Always Get What You Want”  The Rolling Stones


Some people never learn and I guess I’m one of them.  But I suspect this is my last adventure in my search for genuine affection, physical and emotional intimacy.  I don’t know that I found it though.

Another online contact.  This time through E-Harmony.  These things online seem almost formulaic.  An exchange of notes, phone conversations and eventually meeting personally.  This this is how I came to know a woman I will call Annie Oakley or …Annie for short.

This one is different and there is no judgement in the term.  Most women want to meet on neutral ground at first, only inviting you to their home once they know you are not a rapist or serial killer.  It is safe to say that our entire dating experience happened in her home.  On our fist personal meeting she made me dinner and we spent the entire evening talking at her kitchen table.  There was immediately a good feeling about this.  We agreed to keep seeing each other.

What I found when I arrived was a petite woman, long salt and pepper hair, deep brown eyes and a nice figure.    She is 6 years younger than I am.  She was born and raised in Jackson Mississippi and moved to the area to escape Jackson and some very unhappy experiences there.  She had a son about to enter High School and had been married three times.  I noticed that her skin tone was at best inconsistent.  It seems she suffers from vitiligo and as a result has a compromised immune system. I chose the name Annie Oakley as her pseudonym because of her passion for firearms.  She is a gun nut and owns more weapons and ammunition than she could ever use.  In fact, during one of our early more intimate moments I noticed that she slept with a handgun with another within easy reach.

There were of course the nightly, lengthy phone calls and eventually nights spent at her house.  And of course she made the trek, with her son to my house to spend a night fairly regularly.

On March 19, 2015 we were married.  We had spoken of it and started planning but she put her house on the market and it sold in two days.  She had anticipated it taking much longer.  This put…in a fix.  So, we agreed to marry and had a Judge do the ceremony.

To this day I don’t know how I feel about that.  There are times when I think I got the bum’s rush.  She was desperately poor, living in a house in a sketchy neighborhood with her mortgage being paid by her elderly parents and her son attended a less than stellar school.  What I had to offer was a home in a quiet neighborhood in a quiet town with a good school system.  Sometimes I think marrying me solved too many of her problems.  I ask myself the same question I had with the Librarian..what do I get out of this relationship?

It has been three years now.  We have had our struggles.  First and foremost in my mind is my son’s reaction to Annie.  He is a bit cold and aloof.  I know he is not comfortable but his manner toward her seems to have improved over time.  The good news is he gets along well with her son.

On the topic of her son, he is a gamer.  I had some real issues with the vampire like life of a die-hard gamer.  This kid has a huge computer and lots of power behind his gaming system.  He stays in a darkened room, door closed and I can hear him talking over a headset to his fellow gamers, generally using language that shocks even this old soldier.  But, it is what it is.  There is some good news though.  Over time, in this school system he has made friends and is spending more and more time out with real people and not with digits.

I knew when she moved in that I was asking her to live in a house that had been Church Lady’s.  She resents it and does not feel it is hers.  We agreed to sell it and move our home and out of my house once her son is out of High School.  I understand that completely.

I am the sole income, for now.  So in addition to recovering from the devastation of buying off Church Lady, my son’s college now I have her expenses and her son’s to deal with as well.  The good news is she is getting back into her career, or so she says.

Our personal relationship is curious.  As I mentioned she left her home to escape some really bad experiences.  One was her first husband.  It seems she married to escape home but she married a psycho who held her captive and raped her at gunpoint repeatedly for a month.  Relatives helper her escape but the experience left a mark, like her need to always be armed.

Her next two marriages seemed to be almost without real desire to share a life, lacked passion.  Both failed in fairly short order.  The result I suspect is an inability to really be physically or emotionally intimate with anyone.  Always a game face, always clothed and ready to defend herself.

The effect on us is to render almost impossible the emotional and physical intimacy that I’ve looked for during the last decade.  It’s just not going to happen.  Our sex life is formulaic.  I had high hopes while we dated but that story changed from ok let’s do it to “I thought guys just took what they could get”.  Sounds very much like how things were with Church Lady.  And like with Church Lady, I take care of my own needs.

Annie, in some more animated moments professes to want to be my everything.  The problem is she cannot.  As every old soldier does during certain days of the year or in certain situations I drag out the ghosts of my experiences.  Oddly, certain smells, sounds or sometimes physical environment take me back.  It might be I have a flash memory of an event or a person.  More often is the site and sound of an M4 Carbine as I fired it.  I can see the black upper receiver and hear the thunk of the weapon firing.  The thunk is not the sound of the round but the action, the bolt, as the gasses from the barrel force it back.  Some of the more ugly memories are regular visitors.  Early on I shared those with her and once shared the depth of my sadness and anger.  It was too much for her and as a result I wrestle those memories in my head and will no longer trouble Annie when those ghosts come to visit.  I’ve found that those things that happened in my life before our relationship are not things she is interested in.

Some good things though.  I drink less, I sleep more and I eat better.  I think she loves me but the whole “in love” thing is another question.  She tries hard every day.  And she is genuinely a good person and a beautiful woman.  I clean, she cooks.  I am a better housekeeper and like things put away.  Clutter does not bother Annie.  I clean  every Saturday morning.  I like to hit the gym 5 times a week.  Annie wants to go with me but my routine of kicking my own ass is too much for her and I can’t leave her on her own..that would not be nice.  As pretty as Annie is and as cute a figure as she has she never plays it up.  No interesting undies or flirty talk.  For all the time looking for a connection, physical and emotional intimacy I seem to have come full circle, almost.  A stable predictable relationship but that is not what I started the turmoil of the last decade to achieve.  Am I happy with her..content is probably the best term.   Is this what I pictured..well…no not even close.


What I learned. It is quite a list.  I learned that Maslow was brilliant and you can’t fight those human needs.  As a man who believes words have meaning very few people have the same belief.  The meaning of words spoken is often informed by Maslow.  People have agendas and won’t often be transparent about them.  I learned that real romance, intimacy, love are ideals that are chased but never achieved.  Which for me means that happiness is a myth and I need to teach myself to be content.

I also learned that war changes you.  Violent death, seeing it, inflicting it made me want to experience as much as possible on a human level, a primal level.  Most people don’t get it and those that claim to are generally embarked on a short-term lark.  As I experienced with Sunny and Sunseeker.

I look at pictures from 2001 and think through the series of adventures, travel, some danger and plenty of personal angst that have occurred since then.  An arrogant thought is that from 2001 to the end of my military career I was always the guy in charge.  I was not an assistant, I was the primary staff officer or the commander.  I had control.  As a civilian I am not.  I am a guy that responds to requirements rather than develop them.  In my civilian job I am social worker, teacher, coach, mentor and father and all those things take a toll.  Adjusting to that role and recovering from my last years in the military brought me to need a deeper personal connection to someone, and obviously my desire was a woman.  Both Sunseeker and Sunny Skies spoke of sex in primal and spiritual terms and in that a deeper personal connection.  Librarian thought of sex as just something you do during courtship, an element of submission.  Not submission out of a desire to be submissive but out of a desire to gain favor.  Annie…I think for her it is just a wifely duty..but who knows because I can’t figure her out..something of an enigma.

I’ve always thought of myself as a helpless and inept romantic.  I am obsessed with the idea of a passionate physical relationship which borders on spiritual.  Perhaps this an echo of so many conversations I had with Sunseeker.  I am convinced though that with the right person, the right personality this is possible.  I wish I had known this at 20 instead of figuring it out after a failed marriage at middle age.  The impatience of youth plays against finding that personality, the person, the one.  I guess the best you can hope for is an “almost”.  I also wish I had the wisdom to pass this idea on to my son but…at this I failed as well.

So, I guess at this point the only wise thing to say is borrowed from a book by an acquaintance, Nate Sassaman from Once a Warrior King “I will always be a broken hearted Lieutenant Colonel”.  I confirmed something my best friend Ranger Stan told me once.  When all else fails and you are alone in the world remember to walk your dog.  He will always love you unconditionally and he will never ever betray you or your secrets.


So, What now?

I ask myself this question daily.  Married again, lingering affection for Sunny Skies and longing for Sunseeker.  And there is an element of guilt about Librarian.

I am friends on Facebook with Sunny Skies.  I feel bad for her.  Once, she was part owner in a landscaping business and now she is a day drinking bottle blonde pursuing a series of projects which really add nothing to her life or provide her purpose.  Once upon a time she was a focused self assured woman and now…not so much.  She is actually kind of pathetic..and that is sad.

The arrogant side of me thinks about what might have been and how I sincerely believe her life would have been vastly different had she come with me.  Makes me mad..and a bit sad.  Then again, maybe I still hunger for her and want the interesting physical relationship we once shared. The most base part of me just wants to fuck her…a lot.  She made all the right noises..and her facial expressions added to the sex.  Right now.. I think I just want her in bed.

Sunseeker..still missing her everyday and as time goes on her memory gets more distant.  I wish I could sit and chat with her for just a moment.  Look into those huge brown eyes, smell her scent and see that fantastic woman.  And yes…sleep with her..all night.

Librarian.  The guilt is mitigated by the knowledge that to her I was nothing but a life boat.  I would solve her issues with income and steadiness.  I told her once I wanted to be wanted..for the right reasons.  She is alone and living in a house she bought while we dated.  She said it was kind of my house too.  That makes me feel bad about how things worked out but she also wanted me to move in and help pay bills.

I suspect the same is true of Annie Oakley.  I am paying her bills.  She had been living in a house that was owned by her parents, they were paying the mortgage.  She sold the house, we married and now it seems I have solved a slew of problems for her family.  And on top of that she views sex as an act of submission, a wifely duty so…each weekend I get coitus.  I won’t call it making love because for me that involves much more than coitus.  I made love to Sunny Skies and to Sunseeker.  I have weekly coitus with Annie.  ugh.

Expanding on this entry a bit.  It all strikes me as funny.  I started with Sunny Skies to look for that spark of intimate physical adventure. Once she essentially dusted me off as just a paramour my addiction to interesting sex and the adventure led me to Sunseeker.  Oddly enough, the arrogant man in me still wants Sunny.  I look in on her life on social media, kind of a voyeur, and can only think how amazing it might have been.  When I think of it I get angry, at her, for not seeing the wisdom of me.  Wow that is really arrogant.  Along with a sometimes intense physical desire for her is a sub rosa anger that she did not see that I was her best avenue to happiness and stability.  I shake it off…but I still want her.  And to be honest I think it’s an element of Karma that at least judging by social media her life revolves are day drinking and some day job arranging flowers.  Plus her hair is purple now and I’m sure she is 420 friendly..and I’m just as sure that one of her friends is a lover…no one that hungry is not going to find an outlet.  And with that thought comes jealousy.  Like I said..still want her.

As for Sunseeker.  My thoughts go to getting her in bed..and to yelling at her for being such a fickle lying cunt.  Yeah not nice words but those are my thoughts.

Cutting ties

And so, as time goes on and memories become sanctified I’ve come to realize my true role in the lives of Sunny Skies and Sunseeker.  Sadly that role was to provide an outlet for suppressed desires and relief from a meaningless marital relationship. In the case of Kimberly, Sunny Skies, she just wanted to be fucked by someone who wanted to fuck her. Naively, I fell in love with her and that passion drove my physical desire for her.

Sunseeker had been ignored all her life. She was in her husbands life as an appropriate accessory, he was supposed to be married and she was a good girl who would be a good wife.  All the proper things. I’m actually furious at both as I think about it and saddened since I thought I was smarter than that.

I was connected to Sunny Skies via social media but…I’ve cut those ties.  She has no right to know of my life and I have no desire to be one of the people in her sphere.  Over time I came to understand that a lot of her energy was spent trying to gain attention since her spouse gave her none.  I don’t need to be counted as one of her adoring fans.  It’s obvious that although our time together brought me to think only of her.  Her thoughts were only of herself and no one needs that, even in memory.

As for Sunseeker she fell off the planet.  I hope to see her one more time before my life ends but..not counting on it. I’m mad as hell at her and likely she is mad as hell at me.  She has become a source of melancholy, anger, and lust in my memory.  One of those situations in life where you say…”ain’t that a damn shame” and “if only”.

To be continued…..


“Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.”

—Dauphin in Henry V

Such is my madness..or obsession with the woman that I sent Sunny Skies an e-mail.  True to form..a validation of my response. Yet..I miss her every effing day. Each night I look up at the stars and moon and am reminded of the woman who taught me to appreciate that view. Despite “Sunny Skies” being her self claimed moniker, Kim is a child of the moon. The image above is how I see her in my mind.  A lithe beautiful figure bathed in the moon.

I guess this is where the story logically ends. All parties involved have moved on. Sunseeker is gone, disappeared into the bubble of her life that she’d wanted to escape from. I still harbor the desire to see and speak with her sometime. The librarian is living her life. I still feel bad about that but she admitted that part of her desire for a relationship was a financial life preserver. No thanks but..I will always hold her in affection. Sunny Skies, Kim has become less than she was when we were involved, at least I think so. She is nestled back into the unsatisfactory relationship that she railed against when we were seeing each other. And me..I still have a sense of melancholy and anger when I think of Sunseeker and Sunny Skies. Still holding lust for two beautiful women who I’d thought at some point might be part of an enduring relationship, I was in love. Then, I found that I was disposable..and one phrase sticks in my head…fuck these shallow cunts.

“Once a woman turns against you, forget it. They can love you, then something turns in them. They can watch you dying in a gutter, run over by a car, and they’ll spit on you.”

Charles Bukowski,