Soldiers, when committed to a task, can’t compromise. It’s unrelenting devotion to the standards of duty and courage, absolute loyalty to others, not letting the task go until it’s been done.”

John Keegan


Geesh, another blog.  And yes more words from a former soldier, a career soldier.  But this is not for you, it’s for me.  These are words I’ve wanted to put down for years and finally have time and energy to do it.

So what is this about?  It is simply the experiences of a career soldier, the slow slide to war after 9-11 and the impact of 3 years of war on an individual, a family and those involved.  It has been an odd caserole of the need for intimacy, emotional and physical and the hesitation to be intimate because of the risk.  The need to embrace humanity’s most primal desires and the inability to find a similar spirit.  And it is likely a tale of gross selfishness, selflessness and a chronic feeling of  complete betrayal by those I’d hoped would be my most intimate partners.

After 9-11 I spent the next 4 years cleaning up after bad decisions by careerist officers, taking care of Uncle Sam’s dirty laundry.  I was not a fast of those officers identified for greatness but I did have the reputation of getting it done.  I was known to be a problem solver.  It might not be pretty but it will happen.

Who am I or perhaps more important who was I.  In 2001 I was a Field Grade officer in the Army in a position of relative authority serving in a premier combat division of the US Army.  I was married, had a son and a career that was at once reasonably successful and very enjoyable.  I loved what I did.

What follows is not a story of bravery, great battles, exciting events.  I am no hero.  Rather it is a story of how most soldiers go to war, at least in the last 15 years and what the outcomes are once that soldier returns.

My purpose is quite simple.  To lay down these memories, put some of them away and add context to others.  This series of posts is a living document and each chapter will evolve with additional detail and thought over time.



Sunny Skies

All the times

That I felt insecure

For you

And I leave

My burdens at the door

But I’m on the outside

I’m looking in

I can see through you

See your true colors

‘Cause inside you’re ugly

You’re ugly like me

I can see through you

See to the real you

“Outside” by Staind.

“Eyes, Those damn eyes fucked me forever”.  Charles Bukowski.

In 2008, my marital relationship had turned into more of a roommate situation with occasional coitus.  She spent the bulk of her time tending to her parents and her church.  I seemed to have transformed into nothing more than a method to get money to give to her church and for her to have the freedom to not work and pursue whatever she chose.  The dynamic in the house, between my spouse and my teen-aged son was continuous tension.  She would lock him out of the house during winter wearing nothing but boxer shorts and a t-shirt and on more than one occasion kicked him out of her car in traffic.  It was a brutal time.  I found my self having to be both the enforcer of rules with my son and the one who was loving and supportive as she was uniquely ineffective at both.

During one of her frequent trips to her parents’ house I decided to post something on a bulletin board type service about a friend with benefits.  My posting said something about conversation, time spent and perhaps something more intimate in time.  I will admit that I’d had a couple of drinks and this was something of a lark.  I let it fly though.  Both out of a sincere desire and curiosity.  The responses I received were an almost surreal mixed bag of broken psyches, morbidly obese women who wanted sex and a couple of genuine responses but not interested in the same situation I was.  Then one day in late winter I got a response that was very terse.  A quick question about my intent.  This is how I met a woman I will refer to as Sunny Skies.

We exchanged notes in an attempt to get acquainted.  It was on her third e-mail back to me that she slipped and left her full name and place of employment in a signature block.  It flustered her but for me it made her human.  As a sort of quid pro quo I gave her my name.  In the coming days our correspondence centered on figuring each other out.  I learned that she was in an unsatisfactory marital relationship that had been built around common dreams of a business.  She was a business partner with her spouse and they operated a landscaping company.  From me she learned that I was a retired officer, combat veteran and similarly in an unsatisfactory marital relationship.  She was 7 years younger than me, born and bred in Kansas City and childless.

After some time figuring ourselves out we started to write of desires, attitudes and what each was looking for both in life and out of this acquaintance.  I learned that she was neo pagan, that her spouse had little interest in sex and her desire fit in with the whole pagan idea of goddess worship.  She was looking for body worship from an attentive male.  I also learned that she wanted to be a mother.  Sunny was going through every conceivable procedure to have a baby.  She felt the pressure of time and age to give birth.  Sunny was 39 when we met and wanted to have a child before she was in her 40’s.  Sunny referred to it as the “baby dance”.

From me she learned that I was looking for an attentive ear and quite honestly some sexual adventure.  I mentioned to her that any intimate relations between myself and my spouse was almost formulaic and mechanistic.  I had a mild sexual addiction and had a freakish side that seemed to fascinate her.

After hundreds of e-mails and a couple of phone calls we decided to meet.  We agreed to actually meet at a park in a small town on the Missouri side, Parkville.  Anyone who knows Parkville knows a quaint little town on the river.  There is a park by the river and the centerpiece is a gazebo.  That was where we would meet.  We exchanged vehicle descriptions and agreed to meet at the gazebo at 4 p.m.

I had considerable anxiety about the meeting.  I was worried that this might get out.  My employer might find out or my family.  In the back of my mind I thought this could be something of an ambush where she would threaten blackmail or something.  All kinds of crazy thoughts raced through my head.  On the day of the meeting I showed up early and parked in a location that was concealed but provided observation of the parking lot and the gazebo.  Once satisfied that no one was setting in an ambush I moved down and parked in the lot by the park and I waited.  After about 15 minutes I spotted a vehicle that matched hers approaching and waited until she parked.  I got out of my car and walked over toward her.  I watched as this lean woman in t-shirt and jeans, wide-brimmed straw hat and wrap around shades stepped out.  Sunny said hi and took my hand.  We walked to the gazebo to sit and chat.

Our conversation was pretty lightweight at the start but in time we dove into the personal issues and desires that we’d discussed in our correspondence.  We confirmed to each other what we’d said.  The words are lost in time but they were all good.  What was not lost is my memory of how absolutely beautiful Sunny was.  I was not expecting this.  She was (and still is) lean and muscled.  Nice legs and what conforms to the description of an onion butt.  Long lean arms and petite bust that fit her.  And…she had/has the most incredible eyes.  As we sat and chatted she was facing the sun.  Sunny has hazel eyes but they shined and the sun caught different colors.  At times they were green, other times brown and sometime there was the glint of gold when the sun hit them just right.  I found myself absolutely captivated by this magnificent woman.  I remember asking her what she had expected prior to meeting.  Sunny’s simple response was “a fat guy”.

We walked a bit, held hands and chatted.  We agreed to continue, set some ground rules and mentioned a potential next meeting for more intimate activities.  She was going on vacation with a friend to the northwest later in the year and I had some business travel.  We would keep up on e-mail and I would call.  We set phone call time as 1200, once a week.  And with some regret I watched as she drove away.

We continued to chat, talk and eventually set a date for our first intimate get together.   Being impatient I agreed to date which was also they day I returned from a business trip.  We set the location, a hotel close to the airport.  During my trip I remembered her words “a fat guy”.  Although not in terrible shape I made sure to work out every day.  That trip could not end soon enough.  On that day of my return I hurried back to my home.  My spouse was once again at her parents’ house so this was going to be easy.  I showered, groomed myself a bit and headed to the location.  Sunny would meet me at one of the doors and take me to the room.  I was of course running late.  As I pulled in I saw her vehicle, parked close and went to the door she had designated to meet me at.  As I walked up what I saw is to this day stuck in my mind.  She was there in a skirt that revealed her skin/legs underneath.  I remember a halter top with a shawl and her hair was pulled up.  She was…perfect.  The look on her face was one of excitement and submission, almost demure.  I found this absolutely charming since by personality she was an assertive and blunt person.

We kissed and she led me to the room.  It was lit with candles and she had bottled water “for the thirsty work ahead”.  We chatted a bit, sat close and started to kiss and from there foreplay then intercourse.  I was again completely taken by her.  So beautiful, her eyes catching the light of the candles, her lean and beautiful body.  I remember thinking to myself that I needed to explore and memorize every inch of her.  In time I did.  Everything about her was beautiful..every inch.  Even her most intimate parts were graceful.  Once I told her that anyone with that beautiful a butt should be required by law to walk around with it exposed. We lay entwined after and I remember thinking this is what it should be and her soft warm skin was perfect.  I also noticed something that I mentioned to her several times during our adventure.  Her face, although beautiful carried worry lines.  She often had the look of a woman with too much on her mind.  Afterwards, after I’d worshiped her body..and after my climax her face always seemed to soften, markedly.  And with that, in the light of the candles she looked perfect. Thus started a kind of physical and somewhat emotional relationship that lasted with some intensity for about two years.

Sunny and I corresponded regularly.  I would often be greeted with an e-mail in the morning or I might greet her.  We talked on the phone with some regularity and we started meeting almost weekly at a relatively nearby park.  The park was large enough and secluded enough for us to engage in intercourse.  This ranged from getting some modicum of privacy in a picnic shelter or once on a blanket on the side of a hill overlooking a lake.    As things got chilly it was sometimes a challenge.  We would have sex in the car which often involved interesting bruising on her shoulder.  On one occasion she invited me to her home while her spouse was away and we had sex in her bed.  One she assured me she did not share with her spouse.  Again, fantastic as our park meetings were they did not afford me the opportunity to enjoy all of her.  Similarly, on one occasion when I would be alone at home she came to my house.  We did not have sex in my marital bed, Sunny stated that would make her feel creepy. In time our meetings moved to hotels as money allowed.  We were still both married and had to be discrete.  Almost everytime, everywhere we met there was a sexual component, petting, grinding, intercourse and anytime we had a room she enjoyed receiving oral sex.  I brought her to my place of work where I provided oral sex and we had vaginal and anal intercourse on my desk.  I still smile when I look at my desk.   If it could only talk.

I let Sunny Skies into everything I was.  I took her to my favorite places, exposed those parts of me I hold close and do not let anyone see.  And in the end that transparency was for naught.

In retrospect I am grateful.  I was able to spend time and have intimate relations with a complex, interesting and beautiful woman.  Also in retrospect I have thought about the cost and a lot of “what ifs”.

I know that my now ex-spouse knew something was going on.  I was careful enough that she did not know what or with who but…all the signs were there.  Our infrequent and mechanistic intercourse was even less frequent.  After all, if I was having sex with a beautiful woman who was an excellent sex partner why would I want a morbidly obese and angry woman?  There were some things I was less than careful about.  Sunny and I were friends on Facebook and I had a boutique e-mail address that I did not share the password for.  There were times when I would leave an event or a situation to log on to e-mail just to check for a note from Sunny Skies.  I even hid during my son’s High School Graduation Party for a time to check e-mail.  I was totally absorbed by her and our adventure. It is fair to say I was in love with Sunny Skies.

Falling in love was a violation of the ground rules we’d set at our first meeting at the gazebo but, I could not help myself.  On a regular basis I would ask the question, was my affection being naïve?  Her response was always no. Once while talking on the phone she asked me what my son would say if he found out at some point we were dating.  I took her answers, her words and her actions as an indication that her feelings were evolving like mine.  That the emotional attachment was deepening for her as it was for me.  In the end though I was in fact being naïve.  In time our contacts became less frequent.  Meeting for sex became an event and not a regular occurrence.  My feelings did not change.  When she spoke I jumped.  If I had the chance to see her I jumped on it.  Anything I could do to show kindness or affection was something I’d take on with energy.  I remember once, after she’d had a long day at work she met me at my place of work.  My anticipation was workplace sex.  Something we’d done before and it had been marvelous.  Rather than sex she slept in my arms for about an hour.  I held her until she was rested enough to go home.  In time, after my eventual divorce I invited Sunny to my home for dinner and hopefully taking her to my bed.  And of course in those times that we were intimate I would worship, make love to every inch of her body.  I can still remember all the landmarks of her, a scar, a prominent vein, a freckle in a very personal spot.  We experimented with light bondage, she let me take her bottom and use bindings, blindfolds.  She liked to be fucked pulled..bottom slapped.  In fact our last meeting just a couple of years ago was to involve some light BDSM, bindings, spanking. She really liked to be spanked..and I always kissed it to make it better.  In our last meeting that is how it started but it turned into another situation where I needed to listen to her vent about some really foolish decisions and try to comfort her.  It seems I became something more of a confidant than a lover.

But in time it was obvious that my feelings of affection, love were not reciprocated.  Early on she appreciated the attention and the care from an attentive man.  But it became clear to me that I was an appurtenance.  I was side action and the lack of respect shown by her was obvious.  She broke my heart.

I did some reading about affairs and found that this experience fit the mold.  They last about 24 months and one person becomes emotionally involved and the other does not and that is how this went.  For me this adventure convinced me that my marriage needed to end for a host of reasons.  My spouse was no longer interested in a happy home or taking care and raising her son.  Her interest was her church.  As far as her son she was more interested in forcing his compliance with her directions and rules.  She was still trying to parent a toddler, not a growing young man.  I would stay married until my son was in college and away from home.

For all the angst I experienced in my unhappy marriage and the unrequited love for Sunny Skies, her life has been equally difficult.  And I guess I bear some responsibility for it.  Sunny desperately wanted to be a mother.  Her spouse was supportive, kind of, as long as it did not seriously interfere with his life, video games on the weekend or his love of Jack Daniels Old No 7.  She had him administer shots for hormones, they did IVF, all kinds of gymnastics to have a child.  I remember holding her at the park once while she cried after a failed IVF.  I also remember her search for viable eggs to be implanted and the failures of all those efforts.  Finally, in a last attempt they turned to adoption.  Rather than go through a traditional adoption her spouse believed that through personal contacts and his ability to talk to people he could find her a child.  And, to her chagrin she believed him.  Again another failed effort.

I am convinced that her spouse did not want a child because that child would reduce the amount of time she spent taking care of him and his house.  His efforts to assist in Sunny’s pursuit were minimal.  This was the hint that I missed.  She knew it, saw it but it did not matter.  I know that despite his lack of affection, abuse of alcohol she loved, was in love with him.  Over the years she has left him twice and has always returned.  Even now she share a home with him.  There is some hold on her, something that he provides that I don’t understand.  She enjoyed sex, he did/does not.  She was smart, read a good bit, and was a complex person.  Her spouse seemed a fairly simple and self-absorbed person. All during our time Sunny admitted there was still a physical relationship between her and her spouse.  In my mind I imagined what I would call redneck sex.  He would walk up behind her while she was cooking, take her then wipe himself on her apron and go back to his Jack and Coke.  Once she confided that one of the presents he gave her for her birthday was sex..amazing.  But she apparently loves him.

What I should have learned.

As of this year it will be a decade since I first met the beautiful and alluring woman with amazing eyes and the onion butt.  Much has happened in both our lives.  She is living with her spouse again and once in a great while I contact her.  In our time she was a brunette.  She took pride in a Celtic heritage and her ties to Ireland.  She kind of reminded me of Keira Knightley from the 2004 movie King Arthur.  Partly because of her looks and then there is the whole pagan issue.  I have to say one of my fantasies was to see her naked in a pagan ceremony then have rabbit sex afterwards.  I also regret that I never got to spend an entire night with her.  I think waking up next to her would have been fabulous.  She is blonde now.  She seems happy with it and for that I’m glad.  In my mind she will always be the beautiful brunette with amazing eyes that I met in Parkville.

Lessons I should have learned but did not.  First, mature women are risk averse.  I wondered why she could not love me as I loved her.  Part was me, part was an affection for her spouse and part was the risk involved with going any further with me.  I asked her once why she could not, did not love me.  Yeah sounds like a whiney bitch that moment I had to ask.  She had no answer but I think I understand now.  Romantic love for a woman approaching middle age is heavily influenced by Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  I remember during the adoption attempts assuring her that I would move heaven and Earth to find her a child if she came with me.  But despite her intense desire to be a mother and my affection for her and my determination to help her realize motherhood she stays and will stay with him.  I think she loves him and loves the idea of him, a big guy.  And he is safe and I was a risk.

For all the talk of friends with benefits early on, I still became intensely jealous.  Sunny called it “being bratty”.  I was jealous of her spouse’s access to her, the time he got to spend and what seemed to me a complete waste of the time and attention of an amazing woman on a man who did not appreciate her.  There were times when I just wanted to grab the sides of her face and scream “do you realize this guy really doesn’t give a fuck about you beyond what services you provide to simplify his life?”

Now, some things are true.  I still care deeply about Sunny Skies.  To be honest, my addiction to her, her body continues.  To this day there is a print of Vargas’ “Memories of Olive” that hangs in my room.  My current spouse does not know it but this picture reminds me of Sunny Skies.


At times, for the emotional energy I expended on her I feel intensely angry.  There was a time when I would and did risk it all in anticipation of her.  It’s that part of me that is dying to ask her if she has any fucking idea what I went through and the hurt that I still feel today.   The pathetic part is if she were to call me for help I would be there.  Were she to call me to make love to her body I’d be there.  I love her, or more accurately love who she was in our time, but not in love with her and will likely die loving the woman I remember.

After a couple of years her perception of what we did was just sex.  Although we would continue to meet sporadically for about 7 years it was just sex.  Some interesting sex but..just sex.  While it is true that I had deep feelings for her in time I understood she just wanted to screw. She wanted to be fucked by someone who enjoyed fucking her and my affection for her, love, was what drove my desire of her body.

As it stands today I think of Sunny daily.  There is a part of me that misses her.  Perhaps it’s genuine affection or just lust.  I see her posts on Social media, glimpses of her life.  This is not a tremendous change from the later years of our involvement.  I was a peripheral element in her life.  When she got horny she would talk to me.  In fact she is a “friend” of my current spouse on social media which to be blunt and honest really pisses me off.  But not much I can do about it.  I check her posts daily and think about what might have been or perhaps what I wanted it to be.  This is a minor but daily source of melancholy.  I satisfy myself with the knowledge that neither of us are the people who had such passionate encounters.  I am older and more reserved but still as hungry. She has become a bottle blonde or more accurately a bottle of some color..I think it’s purple now. She has lost her edge and is now a middle aged woman seeking attention from anyone full in the knowledge that in her old age she it will be her and her inattentive spouse. Could have been different but..we all make decisions.

“The moon stopped by my room tonight, to peek in and paint me with it’s pastel light, and though there’s much its glow can do it always whispers in my ear ..of you.                     Of countless times we swam its beams, while making Love and spinning dreams but this eve it brought sorrow I can’t dismiss.  I’ve finally forgotten the taste of…your kiss.”  Gregory Barden.

These days, knowing how hungry Sunny Skies was I wonder who is satisfying her desires.  Is she having sex with her spouse who she claims to be separated from?  Is she having sex with another paramour?  Sometimes, since her marriage was dysfunctional and based on some bad feelings between us, I wonder if she is a lesbian, bi sexual?  On the flip side perhaps she is asexual.  Her current appearance makes her look tired and haggard.   A sad development for a beautiful, sensual and interesting woman.

Over the years I’ve spent some time talking this through with my most trusted friend, my dog.  Our conclusion is that Sunny Skies was like a butterfly.  We build gardens to draw butterflies and when they lite on a flower we watch.  When they lite on a hand we study them and see bold strong colors and they look sturdy.  In truth for all it’s beauty a butterfly is fragile and transient.  And so it is with Sunny Skies.  Beautiful and transient.

When things fell apart with Sunny Skies, my hunger was not gone.  In 2010 in another unwise move I went back to a similar bulletin board and repeated a similar process with a woman we will call Sunseeker.